5-10-2005
Hello! I'm very glad you've come this far. I'm creating this page to try and keep either of us from going too far without knowing more about each other, or at least, untill you know more about me. You might call this my version of a personal's ad, but I am striving to be as open and honest as I can, basically lay down my cards for you to see. I'm going to do my best to give you something to go on, a way to get to know me better, to try and show you how the ground lays. Wether you want to go ahead or not still has to be up to you, but at least you'll have some idea of what you are facing. I'm really trying to help, whatever you decide to do, either way, this can only serve us both.
Though this might also just be a way for me to vent my frustrations at being alone. I really always wanted some one to talk to. I have often said that I am a writer, so I write, just as I am a singer, so I sing, or and artists, so I create art. But I also realize that it is a substitute for someone to talk to, When I wsa younger and already on the road and far fom any friends, I corresponded with many people. Throughout my life I have kept extensive journals, though I have often gotten just to busy to write lately. I remember once realizing that my journals were really my "longest letter", to someone I had never met, and might never meet, but with whom I wanted to share all my thoughts and feelings. Though I have spent much time alone, I have also spent a lot fotime conversing with people, while perofrming, or while hanging out at cafes. Generally, I am quick to strickle a conversation with anyone, and enjoy the art. But it is not the same as having someone with whom you share the experiences of life, share a continuity, and the reference to past experiences that always colors the present. While I always try tomake any conversation deep and sincere, not shallow and insignificant, there are limits to what you can discusson the spur of the moment with someone you don't know. Perhaps it is that some things take to mucvh explaining and there isn't the time for conversations that take days, or years.
Maybe this is also an effort to make me feel I am doing something at least, better than just trying to randomly meet someone out on the street. The fact is I have been randomly meeting people for a very long time and it hasn't worked. I am just too different a person, living too different a life. I can meet someone and even feel a mutual attaction, but circumstances make any hopes unrealistic, and all the more painful to me because of that. I am on a road untravelled except by a few, and most people I meet are involved in a life of their own, as they should be. I know I cannot leave my road, my world, it seems at least unrealistic and certainly unfair to ask someone to give up everything they know and everything they have built and achieved just to go with me and join me in my world. I would be glad to be that door, fi that is what they are looking for, but it is not something I could ask someone to do. And I know from painful experience, that even should they wish to, it does not mean they can, that they are able to, which is more painful. Ithahs come to the point that meeting any attractive lady is just painful, discouraging, and depressing to me. The painful hopes that spring eternally, the painful knowledge that the its the beginning of a scene I have been through too many times, so it is hard to be enthusiastic about it. Even if they are interested, they just don;t know how hard it is, it all seems so easy to them, but it isn't. It is for most people, all that is really nescessary is that you live in the same town or city, and there is a good chance that they can at least make a go at it. But with me, nothing is so simple. Once it was easier to take. But as I grow older and see my chance at love and companionship, at a family and a natural life slip away, I have grown quiet and sad, resigned to my fate, accepting it as a price of my gifts and the choices I made to follow this road, but not happy about it, not satisfied. But I will not change, I can't, not the things that really count. I am what I am.
I have always dreamed of finding a woman to be my mate and partner. I still dream, though I have no real expectation it will ever happen, I am just so far out on the bell curve, chose that road untravelled, so it is really no suprisre that both poetically and realistically, I've meet no woman on that road I'm on. So it goes. I accept it, though I can't say I am happy with it, and I can't say I have given up hope. I can't. The fact is there is always a chance I'll run into her one day. Even if the person I seek is one in a million, that means there are 150 in the United States, and more in the world. Its like my sister told me once, that somewhere in the world there is a woman for whom I, and my life, would be a dream come true, someone as far out and as down to earth as me. I figure I have to make some efforts, so this is one of them. In this section I'll try to do what I can to break the ice and ramble on about what I think you should know before you decide to continue. The fact is, romance is about dreams, is a dream, as it should be, a beautiful dream you don't wake up from.. unless you have lost track of the dream and followed an illusion instead. It is a strange and uncertain place, dreams. I want to do what I can to to give anyone romantic and strange enough to be interested in me something to go on, what I am really about, maybe. I don't want to get involved in anything that isn't real, so I'm hoping to save us both the trouble of chasing some will of the wisp that isn't real. Even if it is Right, it won't be easy, so I'll do what I can to help you. Since I believe that I am talking to someone specific and individual, I'll be talking to you directly, even if I don't know who you are yet. Still, I'll make this effort to let you know what you are getting into, lay my cards on the table the best I can, and hope you come to see them, and maybe even decide to lay yours down too.
I've added a bit of material so I think I need to break it up into some sort of order, make it more accecessable. Sometimes I just ramble on a bit, to let myself come through naturally. Other times I have tried to focus on some subject or idea that I think is significant or important to uderstanding me or to knowing whether we might be compatable. I want to be able to seperate out some of the things I write about my philosophy and life that might be of interest to anyone, not just you. Also I am afraid I'll lose track of what I've done here, partly because I know I'll repeat myself, and because I know at some point I need to quit. I need to make a sincere effort and then go on, not use this as just and outlet or a anodyne. This can only be a start, an invitation and introduction, and a way to at least cover some basics so neither of us get our hopes up unless there's reasons to.
The first thing to say is that I really don't know what to say! Though I want to be honest, sometimes it is the easiest intention, but not so easy to do. We fool ourselves just as good if not better than we fool others, and words are thoughts can be easy to say and feel so sure, but crumble when put to the test. So though I will try, I can't guarantee any more than I am expressing myself, and trying to be honest, while knowing that I'm pretty mixed up when it comes down to it, full of conflicts and dichotomies. I feel that is actually a realistic description of the situation in ones mind all too often, where mutually antagonistic, even mutually exclusive concepts exist together in a state of tension if not outright conflict. So if I contradict myself, it is because that is the way things are, really, with contradictory feelings and thoughts storming away inside me. I can easily get wildly romantically lyrical and poetic, but it is hmmm.. not unreal, it is real, but it is one extreme.. the vision, the ideals, the true motivations and inspirations. At the other end I can be terribly depressed, dissapointed and discouraged, resigned to discontent and disatisfaction, to the way things are. I have experienced a lot of dissappointment and discouragement, even as I sought not to have expectations. The funny thing is that beneath this I have a solid, rock steady pragmatism and practicality that makes it all work, tempers the visions into plans and ignors the discouragements and weighs the doubts for significance and forges ahead. It is perhaps one of my greatest attributes since it is this which allows me to succeed in the unique life, or at least to survive. I am able to maintain a control so sure I can let the storms rage within and without me and be confident that the hand on the wheel is firm and steady, and steering a true course. I am like a rock, and I can let the waves of emotions wash over me, and not be afraid or concerned, knowing they cannot move me any more than I let them. I am someone who is motivated by romantic dreams and visions, yet make them work through a strict sense of practicality and pragmatic reality, while never losing sight of what moves me to begin with. It's why I enjoy things like sailing, something that is caught up in romance, yet is absolutely practical, and the sea and boats demand a real abilities, both skill and judgement, and care nothing about how you dress, what money you have, or even your attitude, as long as you get the job done and do it right. If you do it wrong, it neither blames nor excuses, but faces you with unalterable consequences, challenging only to recognize and accept your mistakes as soon as possible, and do it better, do it right.. and right doesn't have to be perfect, for in the real tests of life, good enough actually is good enough. These are some of the things that define my character, the mix of visonary romanticism and absolute pragmatic practicality, the balance of extreme emotion and psychological gymnastics with a rock solid foundation of self that frees me from the fear to let my mind and emotions do as they want, without need for control, because I have absolute power to restrain them.
This leads to explaining one of the keys to understanding me. For everyone there are key events, the significant formative or pivitol experiences in their lives. The first I'd explain is that I was recognized as being clinically hyperactive back in first grade. Back then, it wasn't a matter of diagnosis so mauch as stating the obvious. I was out of control and bouncing off the walls, too smart and too much trouble, though actually a nice kid. The result was after 1st grade they said I couldn't come back to school unless I was under a docter's supervision and treatment for hyperactivity. As a side point, they tested my IQ and said if I did come back, I could go to a special pilot high-IQ program the county was running. The important point is I was given a choice that changed my life. I could either choose to go on the standard drug therapy from the regular docter, which is the same as today, they addict you to speed and put you on a maintainence level dosage (Ritalin is just a marketing name for methedrine, "speed", back then they might have used biamphetamine instead, still just "speed"). But I was given another choice. One of my parent's best friends had become an organic homestead farmer and novelist, along the lines of Helen and Scott Nearing. He suggested that my problems might be linked to diet and to atificial colors and flavors. So they found a doctor who perscribed a natural treatment concisting of a natural food diet low on refined sugar and sugar-filled "foods" with no artificial colors and flavors, along with yoga, martial arts, and other forms of mental/physical diciplines or simply their techniques for relaxation and self-control. That was one key aspect, self-control. I had to chose, because I had to learn to do it myself and make it work, or I'd be forced to take the drug therapy and have it done for me, have it control me instead. I chose to learn to control myself. The second key event was that I learned to percieve energy, to become aware of and conciously control my mind and body, my energy, through things like martial arts and yoga. Though another very important fact was that I wasn't learning Yoga, or Transcendental Meditation, not in terms of following any of their beliefs. I was studying them to extract whatever I could use in terms of mind and body control techniques, just as I studied bio-feedback, and applied them for practical effects. I also started a lifelong awareness of what I ate and what it did to and for my body, studying nutrition and metabolism, again looking for practical effects. I also ended up living and working summers for the person who had suggested this all in the first place on his organic homestead in southern Vermont, studying beekeeping and organic gardening and farming, living without electricity, but in a serious literate, educated atmosphere. Though really that is another story. Back to the main point. I started to study energy, and my mind, from the inside, and with a need to practically apply what I learned, and a method of looking at traditional disciplines and beliefs to extract the practical knowledge from them while discarding or ignoring their attendent dogmas and belief systems. While personal energy, "chi", is a fundamental concept in eastern thought, it is basically unknown in western, yet I was launched upon that path at the beginning of my life, free from the traditional cultural bonds of eastern thought, free to chart my own path. This lead to a long fascination and study of the mind and spirit, the heart and soul, the mysitical and magical, of para-psychology and meta-physics, and the psychological amd physiological workings of the mind and body, of conciousness and perception. It also ingrained in me a belief that just as great strides in physics and biology revealed the empirical and scientific underpinnings of phenomena that were once the subject of only theory and conjecture, and frankly, as much superstition as understanding; further research and discoveries would do the same for muystical, magical, para-psycho;logical and meta-physical phenomena and experience. For me there will never be anything "super-natural", it is all natural, and obeys "natural law", ie physics, even if we do not yet understand or even percieve what to study, what and where and how. It also made me accept that the very nature of perception is just as easily illusion, even if caused by some real stimulus. I also had to accept that in many cases it didn't matter what you believed, if it worked. That grain of truth, the penicillin in the moldy bread, was still as effective no matter how it was applied, cloaked in superstition or as a scientifically explained fact. You don't need to understand the physics behind it to throw a rock and down a flying bird, or build a working compass.
What I want to add here is simplicity. There are just a few things in my life that really matter. No matter what I might say, I am in a solid orbit around these things. I am not obsessed with them, in fact, it seems that often I am not even that concious of them, just as you are seldom that "concious" of the sun. Enough talk, I wish to be simple, tough when it is this late. What matters then is these few things. It doesn't matter why I am this way, I won't try to explain, just lay them out as self-evident truths of my life that I have had to accept will not change.
I am a singer, and the music fills my life, even when I don't think about it, even when I don't play for months, it is my world. I can't imagine how, or even why, I would be with a woman unless we could sing together. I don't see how we could make a life work unless we were on the same road, combining our music into some harmonious whole and following it together. The music is the ultimate test of compatability, and the one thing that I would say that I could not resist. If you can really sing, good enough, passionate and powerful enough, to match me, nothing else matters. The fact is, if the music is as beautiful,intense, and magic with you as I have experienced it alone, then not much else matters. Perhaps there might be some other way, perhaps actually singing, and certainly performing with me, isn't so important as sharing the music, and being part of the music that my life orbits around and is encompassed by. But the music itself is the road I am on, the world I am in, and everything else is outside andn left behind, sometimes barely real. Sometimes life seems like a dream where the only thing that is clear and real is the music, while everything else drifts by in a haze. br>
There isn't much else that really matters, but those few things are critical. Perhaps it is knowing myself and knowing who, or even more, what I am. It means knowing what I can compromise or not even care about, and what I can't change wether I wish it or no. If the music is the sun I orbit around, the rest are the planet I dwell on.
First is the reality I live in, the world or energy and The Way. I won't try to explain that here, I explain it later and in other places on the site, and it comes out in a lot of my writing. Call it spiritual or mystical or call it extra sensory perception, it is a foundation of my experience, and it would be hard to imaging sharing my life with someone who couldn't understand the nature of the world I live in. From the simplest thigs of avoiding bright lights and loud noises as a hyper-sensitive person, to all the subtle extra senses I have tried to develop in my life, it is just ythe way it is, and not something I want to be trying to explain, or feel inhibited because it is something I can't explain. And I am a person who values reason and rationalty above all.
That is another pillar, that I am from the old romantic school of life, and I live according to the code of honor, according to all sorts of idealistic and romantic principles, and I really cold not think of living otherwise. Perhaps it is related to the first pillar, the mystic sense, because I percieve what I am doing as a clear sensual perception of right and wrong, like in playing music. I do right becaue it is so painful to do wrong, not in the sense of remorse or guilt, but in an immediate sensory experience, backed up by lots of reading and inspiration.
Perhaps it is again my oversensitivity that leads to the next pillar. I am a person who is most comfortable in the wild. I grew up out in the woods and water, and particlarly, on an organic homestead, learning beekeeping, without electricity. That was my dream, not the music. Though I can enjoy cities, I could not live in one, and can only tolerate them so long. Wether I could or not really isn't so important, the fact is that what I am is at home in nature, in the wild, as a simple fact. When I have time, I go to the wild, to nature and its elemental forces, wether in the mountains or desert or at sea, it is all the same in the way I percieve it.
Finally, though I am an odd combination of ancient philosophy and modern counter-culture, I am certainly that. I am a seriously left-wing populist, and though I haven't nescessarily done much measurably in my life as a folksinger, I am dedicated to social action.
As I have thought about it, I realize that I have left out the most important aspect, which is the music. Wahtever I say, all the things I have done, the fact is that my life has revolved aroubnd the music like the earth around the sun. It is always there, unnoticed in its absolute dominance of my life, the way you can take the sun for granted, forget that it is there, behind everything, even at night. And you know that no matter how long night might seem, that the sun will return, it is not even a question. That is the way music has been in my life, ignored, taken forgranted, or recognized and appreciated, it has dominated my life, fills my every waking moment, mind, heart, and spirit. So when I think about a partner, I always see a another singer, see myself singing with someone. That is the heart of my life, so it is what I would share with the person closest to me, that is the wolrd I live in, so I would want them to share that world, and never thought of any other way. On a practical level, the music guides and runs my life, so that either someone would have to follow me, which I don;t know I would like, or they would have to be part of the music, so we would be following the same path. Much of my life has been basically wandering one song to the next, from the place I last played to the place I am about to play, and nothing else really is as real or is as important to me. No other things are, when they are the right energy, but what is real is that the true continuity of my life, the real continuous thread, is this journey from one song to the next, from one place I play music to the next. There are long periods where I have no time for anything but the music. I play all day for days and am too tired and worn out afterwards to do much but recover, then I do it again. It has been most all of my social life, where most of my time and energy goes, and what satisfies me and motivates me. It is what I do. If someone shared that experience, then we would be sharing the best parts of our lives, and basically, both be in quiet recover mode together. It is also perhaps about how I percieve the world as well, this hyper-sensitivity to vibrations that both draws me into the psychic/spiritual/mystic and to the shelter of the wilds to recover from the noise and disonance of "civilization". If you look at my philosphy, you can see that it is very much couched in musical terms. I know that if I found someone I could sing with, someone really in tune with the same music, and we jelled in great harmony, great collaboration, great rapport, the experience would be irresistable to me and nothing else would matter much, or at least, I'd be motivated to overcome any differences. I believe we both would. And no matter what troubles life threw at us, or problems we had with each others shortcomings and failings, we could sing together and know without a doubt it was still worth it. This is so significant that I can easily say that the reason I have been single and celibate most of mty life is because there was no room in my life except in the music and I never met someone who wanted to and could be part of that energy. And really, if a girl couldn't sing, she couldn't distract me from the music. While I instantly perk up and pay attention at the sound of a good female voice, or a girl with a guitar, though I don't pay attention to "looks". I don;t think it would be nescessary for her to be able or want to perform with me as long as we could play together, but it seems that most of my life is performing and I seldom play "for myself", usually because I am recovering from playing when I am not playing for people. Though I do play new stuff and compose songs, play guitar and sing, or just sing to myself when I am deprived of opportunities to perform. And I can say, that no matter how lonely and unhappy I might be, I just can't seem to break my attention from the music to try and change that. When I am playing nothing else matters, all the unhappiness and loneliness fades away and is forgotten, and I glow for a while afterwards. Even if I spend my lifer alone, as seems likely at this point, I won;t stop playing, or pouring my life into the music. I have had to accept that.
Maybe I could marry a woman who believed in my music enough to support me in my work, to live the life it led me on, and somehow have her own life within that framework. If we had a really deep resonance and seriously compatable beliefs, personalities, and lifestyles. Perhaps if what she really wanted was to raise children and wanted me to be their father. Maybe if all she really needed to be happy was to sit and listen to me sing, and know no other girl had a chance of getting my attention if she had it. I am a one-woman man. But I just don;t see how someone would be satisfied with that life, or could be fulfilled without their own obsessive focus and still be like me. Maybe she could just be an artist, and do something like paint that would be compatable with my wandering.. or a writer perhaps, but it is hard to see how anything could be compatable with the road I'm on, except the road I am on. And I think I'd be happier knowing she was on the road with me not simple to follow where i go, but because it turns out to be her road as well, and we are walking it together.
The key to understanding me is energy. Call it "ki" or "chi" in the orient. I am looking for someone like me, "fey" or a mystic. Call it E.S.P. or spirituality. I sense the energy beneath manifestation, and I live in that world, and that is what moves me and drives my actions and decisions as surely as the manifest realities drive everyone else. I have spent most of my life trying to develop these senses, this ability to percieve this world, to dwell in it. Maybe I'm just slightly autistic, maybe I'm just nuts (though it seems to work pretty well anyway) but nothing else matters so much as this. What I really seek is someone who percieves this world, too, and can share it with me. Someone who can understand why I do what I do.. even though I don't always understand what I am doing, or why, except that sometimes I just Know that it is what I must do, and that is what the right person will understand. And really, if this doesn't make absolute sense to you, then don't worry about it and let be friends. If you do understand, or even if you just Know that you need to understand, if what I say speaks directly to your personal experiences with life, experiences that you can't deny even if you can't explain or understand them, then the keystone of a foundation we could build a life together on is there. It isn't the whole thing by far, but it is the key stone. Even if it isn't Right, since one stone, even this key piece, isn't enough by itself, Id' be interested in keeping in touch on a purely.. academic level? I'd like to think that there are many of us out there, that we are not so uncommon as all that, that's why there's a word for people like us, "fey".
I should take some time to explain more what I am talking about, how I put it into words, really. I can't really explain it, nor do I claim to understand it. I wish I could. Though there are things I have come to believe, I do not believe them to be undeniably true, or articles of faith. They are more like.. "working concepts", things that seem to work on a practical level, though this doesn't mean that they are correct assumptions, simply that they seem to work. Moldy bread did help wounds heal, even though people might not know why, or understand, or might have all sorts of incorrect reasons as to why it worked. I feel the same way about this, and that is perhaps my root belief. That there is a empirical and factual, natural basis for my experiences and perception. That I do sense something, just as my ears sense compression waves in air and my eyes sense photons or frequencies in waves of electromagnetic radiation. That if I knew what to measure and how, I could quantify what I sense, and it would be in accordance to the laws of physics (though we are still working on those) and not "super-natural". In fact, I sense what I do most clearly in nature, which is why I spend so much time in the wilderness, where the energy is clearer and easier to percieve, or as much, good to dwell in. I have called it mystic and spirituality, but I am not religious, it is not a belief in god or gods, in supernatural, omnipotent beings (though they could be out there, I can't prove they aren't, but that's not the point and not what I am talking about). What I believe in.. no, it is like asking whether I believe in the sun. Or in sound, or light, or anything else I experience with my senses. It is there, all the time, day and night, everywhere. I believe that all people experience the sense of this world beneath manifestation to some degree, like musical sensitivity, and this experience gave rise to what has developed into religions, combined with a need to explain everything, an inability to accept mystery and the unknown without explaination, and even the concept that knowledge of something, giving it a name, gives one power over it.. an ancient concept in magic. This same sense gave rise to the concepts and practices of magic as well.
Yet I want to stress that I am not talking about the "supernatural" and I am not really much interested in someone who is caught up in a lot of irrational concepts. I am someone dedicated to reason and rationality, a "scientist" perhaps. I neither affirm or deny what I can't prove, yet there is also what I know, what I experience. I do not need to an explaination of what the sun is to know it shines, to see by it, to feel it on my skin. There is that which I can't deny, even if I can't explain it. I have tried to apply whatever I think might work practically. I have done things knowing that while the surface action might based on superstition, like the moldy bread, it might also have somewhere within it, practical and useful if i can discern it. Practically, I would say that I am sensing the energy beneath all manifestation, its ebb and flow, its nature as patterns of frequencies, harmony and dissonance, resonance. Just as I sense the patterns in sound waves that we call music and speech, as I sense the patterns and frequencies, the direction and intensity of light. It seems to have a lot in common with the way I sense music, like I listen for it more than the way I see things, I don't tend to look for it. I don't have time to explain it all here. But I want to try explaining a core principle that I call "Rightness". Rightness I can explain in musical terms. It is both the feeling of "rightness" or "justness" that you experience (remember these are senses, experiences) when you tune a string instrument, getting two strings or the entire instrument in tune. You sense the rightness when the harmonics come into place, when the strings ring and the instrument sings. It is the feeling of "rightness" when you are playing music and play the right note, in the whole context of of the music and rhythum. While there are many possibilities, each one changes the nature of the whole, and just as surely there are notes that are wrong, that disrupt the harmonics, some worse than others. I take this same feeling of "rightness" and use it in the context of the energy I sense, trying to sense and do what is Right. It is often quite clear, sometimes it is not. The world is way too complicated compared to music, and full of dissonance and conflicting patterns. Sometimes it is only clear what is wrong. Sometimes I can turn the sense not to what to do but to feeling the Right direction. I feel that whatever these senses are they have risen out of senses we developed for other purposes, so many of them correlate to senses like music or directional ability (which I have developed to an extreme degree, but no different from proven aboriginal abilities).
There are a lot of "working concepts" like this that I use, or have experienced. In my writings I capitilize them, like "Knowing", "Resonance", Rightness", and other various terms and general explainations or guesses as to what might be going on if I could figure it out. There are a lot of things I do that I can't explain, but I've just developed over the years, and I just do them, and don't try to explain them, though I would like to, I know I can't, still, they work, or I sense what I am doing, like hitting an object that makes a resonating note, I can't say why, but I know that it happens. Personally, I always dreamed of setting up a lab just to experiment with trying to quantify and emperically measue and test and explore whatever it is I experience. I really haven't tried to explain it much though, as I have tried to live it, use it, apply it, dwell in a state of awareness of it on a par with the rest of my senses. I have experienced both incredible peakes of sensitivity and ability, and times where I have retreated from it, been traumatized so I couldn't function, or just gotten tired and discouraged with life, whatever my abilities, and just like with my musical abilities. But it has been and remains perhaps the most important part of my life, certainly one of them. Everything seems to stem from it. It is at the root of who I am because it is at the core of what I am, the root of my experience of self and life and all I do.
Another important fact is that what I say is not carved in stone. I am not at all against changing or being changed. Almost everything in my life is easily subject to compromise. I have lived a fluid life, and as such, and not afraid of change, am not attached to what I do or where I am at, not afraid to go new directions or leave things behind. I know that the things that can't be changed or left behind won't be, because they can't, so I am not concerned that they will be. As for the rest, they are not diminished because they have passed, they were my here and now, my everything at that moment, and will always be part of me, even pivotally significant, though our paths only crossed. The things that aren't able to be changed are not so much because I say they aren't, but because I have learned that they are just part of me and my life, no matter what I might wish, so I make the best of it. Though their manifestation may change.. but more on that later. I feel a lot of life is figuring out what these central pillars and threads of your being are, the things that you really can't live without, or perhaps more accurately, can't excape. Just as important is knowing the few things you can't live with, no matter how you try and the reasons you have to try.
I suppose the place to conclude, and the place to start, is to say that I know that nothing can replace "chemistry". What I would call "resonance", since I think more interms of music, or really, harmonics. Just as two strings resonate when they are in tune with each other, and in harmony. This same principle extends to two instruments, or two voices, with all the complex individuality of their own tone, can resonate with each other in a way they will not with other instruments.So too, I feel, it is with people. And due to the complexity of our individual tones, there are many degrees of resonance (or lack thereof) between people. I can't begin to explain why, or what makes for resonance. Or maybe it is that while I can explain the simple principle, in practice it is too complicated to understand, though it is often easy to recognize when you experience it. That one of the most important components that I seek I can't quantify or explain is not odd, so many important things are like that in my world. Like many mysteries, I can name it, I can experience it, but I can't explain it, really. I also know that it is something outside personality and experience, which means that it isn't a guarantee of harmony in personalities or lifestyles or anything. While it may be the most important ingredient, it can't overcome "irreconcilable differences", it just makes it harder to accept that it won't work. Though what I seek is this resonance between me and my mate, I recognize that it alone is not enough, and that it cannot nescessarily overcome serious differences. So that's why I am writing this, so we can get a better idea, at least you can get a better idea of what I am about. The "personality and lifestyle" aspects that you'd have to deal with. Though I am ready to compromise, and ready to change, there are things I can't manage in both catagories. I want my mate to happy in my life, not because they put up with it to be with me, but because it is the life they want, I am living their life as much as they are living my life. I remember talking with my sister once, I think, about how hard it was to find a woman who would want to live a life like mine. Her reply was to say that I just had to find one woman to whom my life was their dream come true.
I experience a deep resonance with all my real friends, but I don't attempt to live with them, or share the same life. We cross paths, enjoy our connection, share times, common ground, and then go back to our seperate ways. It is good. For other people with more "normal" lives there is really a lot more slack, a lot more flexibility to lead somewhat seperate lives and still live together and share a common space and life. Unfortunately, my life is so unique and so intense and all-encompassing that whomever I was with would have to share it. Not follow me, but walk beside me, and take the lead as often as provide back-up, make it all work better. We would have to be a team, living one life that we both create, contribute to it, share it. My mate would have to make this life theirs as much as mine, but one road, one life. It's not a philosophical desire, it's a practical nescessity. I don't want to take anyone where they don't want to go, where they don't want to be, just to be with me. It just won't work. I want us to help us both go places we might not or just couldn't go alone. I'm looking for someone who wants to live life as I am doing, not just the what but the how. The how is really more important, since I am never really attatched to what I am doing, and am always ready for something new, as long as the energy is there. I realize it may be impossible to find someone like that, but I don't really see another choice. I am walking the road less travelled, and I'm looking for someone who wants to walk that road, who will walk that road with me or without me, just as I have walked that road, will walk that road, whether I find someone to share it or not. I don't really feel I have a choice there either. There's a lot of my life I don't feel like I have a real choice about, though I have free will, I chose to do what is right, and all too often, that leaves me few choices. I doubt I can ever live a "normal" life, even if I wanted to, and there are many times I have sincerely wished I could. I even tried a few times, without success, till I accepted the life I am living. I don't pretend for an moment that I am "normal", though there were times I wished I was, till I accepted that I am what I am. I can't explain what that is, wish I knew., I would like try to explain it all to someone who can understand, because they have felt and experienced the same things that have driven me, that drive me still. It might take a while, but I like taking long walkabouts and sails, sit around in some beautiful spot. We'll have plenty of time, time to talk, till we're tired of talking, then we'll have time to be silent, together.
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